Why do people have counselling?

People come to counselling for all sorts of reasons, but it is usually because there is something in their life that they want to change, which is causing them to feel distressed. Perhaps someone is seeking counselling because of what you might call a short-term crisis, such as, difficulties at work. Or perhaps someone wants to have counselling because many smaller, stressful things have happened in a short space of time and they are feeling overwhelmed. Sometimes people feel that now is the right time for them14642828_10211327004915777_1423842320_n to begin to explore how they have been affected by major events in their life, such as childhood trauma, or the death of a loved one, which they may have been trying to cope with for a long time.

Counselling offers you the opportunity to talk to someone impartial, who is there to offer acceptance and understanding for how you are feeling and what you have been through. This in itself can be very comforting, and while sharing in a safe, trusting relationship is a fundamental part of therapy, it is not the sole purpose of counselling. The aim is to provide this safe space as a foundation from which you are able to explore and make sense of your thoughts, feelings and experiences so that you can begin to ‘move forward’ again. In my experience as a counsellor, when people meet with me for the first time they are generally feeling stuck in some way and the emotions they present with may be stronger than usual for them, for example, they may be feeling more anxious than usual, more upset than usual. This is an indicator that something in their life is out of balance. Talking it through can be a huge relief.

We all have natural coping resources inside of us that are there to get us through difficult times. But sometimes those resources are ‘running on empty’ or completely overwhelmed by what you are dealing with and can become less effective. A counsellor can share the load that you are carrying and support you to get to a place where you are able to re-engage with your own natural ability to cope. Counsellors can also help you to think of new ways to support your emotional, psychological and overall health and wellbeing.

Copyright © 2016 Laura Hughes

The Emotional Impact of Illness

Physical health is often the sole focus of rehabilitation when you have been physically ill: emotional health tends to be forgotten, or you may not be offered help in the same way as for your physical health. Even when the focus is on your recovery from mental illness, you may not get the support you need.

Your life with or following your illness may be very different to life before, and can take a long time to adjust to. Being ill can itself be a traumatic experience, and the changes that follow may leave you feeling lost and alone. With any change comes a sense of loss and may be accompanied by feelings of grief.

Some of the changes you may experience include:

  • Loss of role and identity
  • Loss of confidence and self-esteem
  • Loss of independence
  • More emotional than before
  • Experience of anxiety, panic, depression, trauma

You may have found yourself literally fighting for your life, which can be both terrifying, and give you the opportunity to reassess your life. As joyful as it can be to recover from such an illness, you may be left feeling stunned, as the death you were preparing yourself for never came.

 Family Members, Friends and Carers

Family and friends can also experience huge changes when a loved one is ill. You may take on the role of carer, which can be a huge adjustment. You may experience feelings such as:

  • Guilt
  • Anxiety
  • Fatigue (emotional and physical)
  • Depression

You may also have traumatic memories of seeing your loved one struggle with their health both during and after their illness. When someone is ill, the focus is on them which can often leave those supporting that person feeling forgotten about as they too struggle through the daily challenges that illness brings.

Take some time to talk about it

Of course, we all experience ups and downs in life and problems that were around before your ill health (or your loved one’s ill health) may still be there for you to deal with. In the same way, ill health does not stop other things happening in your life. What may change is your ability to cope, especially if you are still dealing with any after-effects of your illness, or progressing with your recovery. Counselling is a safe place for you to explore the impact of your own or someone else’s physical and/or mental illness, as well as any other issues in your life.

Copyright © 2016 Laura Hughes



Feeling Trapped

Trapped 1c

There are moments where we have all or will all feel trapped. In a situation, in our mind, in our body. Daily feelings of frustration and stuckness can feel like having lead weights around your shoulders. At times, these feelings can suddenly peak and become terrifying moments of fear, panic and hopelessness. Nothing makes sense in these moments – your existence seems both surreal and yet ultra-real. Sometimes it feels like your head is going to explode. You want the ride to stop so that you can get off.

Times like these can feel the absolute worst for trying to see a way forward – after all, if you knew that you wouldn’t feel like this? So you keep pushing through it and the weights around your shoulders feel heavier. Allowing yourself to stop probably feels the most counter-intuitive thing to do right now… but what if that’s exactly what you need to do?

With anything in life, there is a balance. And sometimes, if you’ve been pushing through a feeling for a long time, you need to balance things out by taking some time to be with that feeling. And this begins by acknowledging it and allowing yourself to really feel it. What form this exactly takes will vary from person to person. The lead weights to one person might equal heartfelt sobs of grief that this is what your life is. For another person, the lead weights might manifest as rage and ‘why me!?’ For someone else it might mean admitting they are exhausted, and having a pyjama day in front of the tv to rest and recharge their batteries. Or maybe a combination of the lot. Sometimes after some rest or rage or a good cry, your head can feel a lot clearer. You’ve done it – you’ve admitted how you really feel behind the daily greyness that is ‘coping’.

I use quotation marks to say ‘coping’ because while we might think this is what we’ve been doing all this time, it’s not always the case. ‘Not coping’ is easily confused with coping – you may have been pushing whatever it is out of your mind, avoiding it, putting a happy face on it. This can be a good thing – as I said, life is about balance – but there comes a point where ‘something’s gotta give.’ You’ve reached boiling point.

Now is a good time to evaluate where you are – is this how you want your life to look? Is a change of career an option? Or retraining? Could my relationships with my family be better? Is this the right relationship for me? Do I need some help with all this?

Sometimes we can’t change the things we would like to, in which case it is just as important to take time out to air your feelings and give yourself some breathing space. Being creative with your feelings can be a safe way to let things out: writing and drawing can help you to understand the feeling better if you can see it solidly on a piece of paper. It can give you a sense of ownership over that feeling. A sense of control. Of validation. Other creative mediums can have this effect too – music, dance, drama.

And for some people saying it out loud to someone who is not there to judge or tell them what to do can be the most powerful and effective way for them to express their feelings and find a way forward. When we communicate our feelings (through whatever medium) we literally let it out of our system and make room for other things, other thoughts and feelings, and make room to move forward. Moving forward can simply mean knowing where you are now, which you may not have done before.

Standing still… to move forward. Life is a paradox!


 Copyright © 2016 Laura Hughes


Choosing a Counsellor

There are many reasons why someone may seek out counselling: perhaps something has happened recently that has left you feeling scared, distressed or confused about life; maybe you’re at a point in your life where you are reflecting on how your experiences have moulded you to become the person you are today. Whatever the reason, it is important to acknowledge that seeking help and support is not an easy thing to do: it takes courage and even taking the first steps can seem frightening and a little overwhelming. Therapeutic relationships offer the opportunity for growth in a way that other relationships may not. They can be very warm, understanding and accepting relationships, where the individual feels able to grow and develop towards the person that they want to be, and away from the person they have always felt they should be.

The very nature of counselling means that you are allowing another person to get to know you, and that could mean letting them see a side to yourself that you have never revealed to anyone else before. It can leave you feeling vulnerable and exposed. This is why it is so important to choose a counsellor that you feel comfortable with. This is not to say that in a first meeting you should feel like you should trust your counsellor with absolutely everything and tell them your darkest secrets straight away: safe, trusting relationships take time to develop, and feeling comfortable with your counsellor may simply mean that you want to see them again next week.

Choosing a counsellor is a way of having some control over your own emotional health and wellbeing, so by all means take some time to reflect on that first meeting. How did you feel before the session? How did you feel afterwards? How do you feel about seeing them again? Did I feel listened to? Did they ‘get’ me? These are all really important questions to ask yourself and may help you to decide on whether that counsellor was right for you. It can sometimes help to meet a few different counsellors to ‘try out’ whether there are particular counselling approaches (for example, psychodynamic, person-centred, cognitive-behavioural therapy) that seem to ‘gel’ with you, or types of personalities that you ‘click’ with better, or even whether having a male or female counsellor adds something to your experience. It is not unusual for people to purposely choose to see a counsellor for a reason that would normally make them feel uncomfortable, for example, seeing a male counsellor when they have had issues with relationships with men in the past. Having this element of discomfort or personal history present in the therapeutic relationship can enable the individual to engage in some very challenging yet rewarding work with their counsellor.

Every therapeutic relationship is different, and unique to the individual and their counsellor. It’s OK to decide that a counsellor is not right for you, whether that’s after the first session or after 20! Equally, it may take that amount of time for you to feel like you can begin to open up to your counsellor: counselling is a process and a journey and we all travel at a different pace. We are constantly changing and so are our needs, so what may have seemed a certain way for us 2 months ago is not necessarily how we feel about it at the moment. It may seem a scary prospect, but if you feel that something is not quite right, think about discussing it with your counsellor. They are there to support you and if something is not working they will want to help you.

This is your journey. Maybe you have a destination, maybe it’s all a little foggy at the moment. Wherever you are and whatever you’re feeling, there is someone out there who wants to help, and it is within your control to decide who that person will be.

Copyright © 2015 Laura Hughes